Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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