I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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