A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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