Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
