god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
