she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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