In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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