I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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