Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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