I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
