I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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