I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Two words: blizzard sex
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
