My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
