I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
