Cold hands, warm shart.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
