please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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