Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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