a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
