Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just had sex on a roof
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
