I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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