Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
