Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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