After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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