U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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