fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have aggressive nipples.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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