things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
