I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you had me at cake vodka
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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