Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
why do cheetos always look like penises
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
