My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We are all done wearing pants today
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
