I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
