How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
