I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
