I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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