Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
