He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
this just has baby written all over it
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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