apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
