Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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