Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
