Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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