my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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