May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
