Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
