I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
