I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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