I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
