I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
