So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
