Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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