Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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