The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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